For the first time today I saw a number on the scale just below my goal weight. This hasn't been something I've said anything about here and I'm not going to post a link to this on Facebook or anything, but I wanted to get some thoughts about it down here for myself.
I started this weight loss project at the beginning of January when we came back from our Colorado trip. I can't actually remember what prompted it at that time. I had saved a long piece from Cooking Light about the editor and several of his work friends who took on a 6-month project to lose 20 pounds using My Fitness Pal on their smart phones. I certainly wasn't too thrilled with the photos of myself from our trip. I don't know -- something must have just clicked. I was starting at 154 pounds and decided I wanted to get down to 125. This had been my goal weight the previous two times I had gotten serious about this, once when I was about 30, right before I got pregnant with Frances, and again when I was 37, right before we bought this house. In the chaos of moving and renovating I didn't stick with the weight maintenance. Now, at 48 I was looking at a bigger number on the scale than I had ever seen and I was starting to think more about how being so heavy was going to affect me as I aged. And lest anybody should think I was all about the health, I confess that the prime motivator was that I hated the way I looked and the way I felt about myself for looking that way. Yes, I'm that shallow. I still have to work on that, but at least I'll look better while I do it!
It's been almost 8 months. Having done this twice before, I have to say that this time seemed easier. I think it must be because I feel more focused about what I'm trying to do and why, and clearer headed about how unsatisfying years of eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted really was. There were absolutely difficult days and stretches of days, but I've tried to focus on the day, or the afternoon, right in front of me, and let the long term take care of itself. There were stretches that I didn't lose any weight for weeks, even though I was doing just what the Fitness Pal lady (I don't know why I think of her as a bossy lady. Don't reflect on that.) told me to. And I just saw that goal number today -- if history is any guide, it'll be up tomorrow. It's hard not to let the fluctuations get you down.
I have been pretty good about exercise for the last decade, if not longer -- not hard-core workouts, but consistent walking, anyway. Getting an active dog 2 years ago helped. She needs those 3, 4, 5 miles even when it's cold, even when it's wet, even when you just don't feel like it. The dog moved me from a 5-day-a-week walker to a 7-day-a-week walker. I've gradually added distance so that I'm now doing one 4-5 mile walk (or a 3 mile run) each day, usually plus another short walk with the dog and whatever activity I do in the course of the day. I don't usually count that in My Fitness Pal. It remains to be seen whether the whole calories in-calories out equation would work without the exercise, but hopefully I won't ever have to find out.
I expect that I will probably keep tracking my diet and exercise for the foreseeable future, maybe always. I'm ok with that. Although it feels deeply nerdy (again, don't reflect on that) and Frances makes fun of me and I'm a little embarrassed getting caught counting calories by my friends, it does give me something active to DO when mostly losing weight is about NOT doing something. I like the accountability and the (hopefully not mistaken) sense that I'm at least partly in control of what's happening with my body. I miss some things that are probably not coming back -- cheeseburgers, much cheese at all for that matter, lots of baking -- but mostly it really does feel like these are trade-offs for other benefits rather than just deprivations. And I will always bring dessert to the potluck -- then I get to make it and try some, and then other people eat the rest!
I'm uneasy with the idea of maintenance -- what if all the weight just starts coming back? -- but for now I'll just keep working out and obeying the bossy Fitness Pal lady and see what happens. I'm loving the way I look and the new clothes I've had to buy. I feel really good physically, and I feel really good about myself. We're just going to say that that's because I've set a health goal and reached it, and not because I feel better about myself if I'm thinner. (Insert reflection and personal growth here.)
50 is headed for me like a freight train -- ok AARP card, bring it on!
